Too Late!

Full blown panic attack. Brain swirling in every direction.

What makes you think you are as good as your coworkers? 20 years younger, better trained, more energy, and learns faster! You know they are laughing at you when you ask how to do something they have always known how to do. You are slow, old, lacking higher education, and just simply out of your league. What if you lose this job?

Your wife is in love with someone else for god sake. What does that say about you? How could you let that happen? Why aren’t you stopping it? How far will it go?

You’re a terrible child, it’s been years since you saw your parents.

You’re a terrible parent, a terrible friend, horrible lover, no one likes you, and… and…

So this has been my brain today. All while sitting at work trying to figure out new software and communicate with those around me as they have questions about the original software. My head hurts so bad. I tried some retail therapy after work. D and I when shopping but it was just frustrating as I could find nothing in my size that would have looked good on me. So shopping did nothing but make it worse. It was nice to spend a couple of hours talking and holding hands but her wanting to talk about the new love was just feeding the voices in my head.

I know not to listen to them but the shouting can just be overwhelming at times. And keeping the mask in place while this battle happens is just so exhausting on so many levels.

Tomorrow will be better, I know this. Writing it out also helps show it as the lie it is. Now some reading and then bed.

More later